Hocus Pocus or Now You See It, Now You Don't

By "Dawg" Chapman

Lately NASCAR Cup broadcasts, on Faux, seem to be a lot more hocus, than pocus. A lot of this, I attribute to the presence of two, count‘en two Waltrips in the booth, but that’s another story, for another time. We’re subjected to a constant barrage of Mikie, shilling for his sponsors, DW, shilling for Mikie, & both shilling for Toyota.

While the Waltrips may be the worst example of the conflict of interest, it’s by no means the only one. We’ve had RAY Evernham, Rusty Wallace, (that had to have been tough for Rusty, at times,) Brad Daugherty. Sort of a special case, is Kyle Petty, aside from the family connection, Kyle is pretty much separated from RPM. Does a very good job in the booth, & I don’t think we can count him.

With all the people to choose from, I’m surprised that the TV partners continue to allow this.

While I’m thinking about it, what’s up with Jeff Hammond? They don’t seem to have a clue, what to do with him this year. So he goes to different spots around the track, big deal. What does this add to the broadcast? It’s kind of like a Where’s Waldo segment. With as little time allotted to actually showing the race, between commercials, I find this a total waste of time.

I love to go to races. I love the sounds, & the smells, my absolute favorite being the smell of methanol. There’s no experience quite like being there. My personal “bucket list” includes some tracks that will involve some long distance travel. That having been said, I just don’t go to Cup races. There, I’ve said it. I want to drive in find a parking spot. Walk up to the ticket window, buy my ticket. Walk in, find a seat, (I prefer high up at the entrance to the number one turn) plop down my cushion, & enjoy the show.

I don’t enjoy sitting in traffic 2 hours to get in, then doing it again for 4 hours, to get out. Not to mention, paying 350. a night, with a 3 night minimum, for a 75. room. I strongly suspect that I’m not alone in this.

That’s why I satisfy my NASCAR jones, in front of the TV. There is, however one pretty serious fly in this ointment.

We can only watch what the TV producer chooses to show us. When I’m at a track, it’s a very rare race that hasn’t got something interesting to watch. It might be two guys racing each other hard for tenth place. Whatever it is, it’s there, if you look for it. As a TV fan we just don’t have that option. We can mute the sound, & go with MRN, or Serious, I know many people do. We can use Hot Pass if it’s available, but the vast majority of fans can only watch what the TV chooses to show us.

I’m a fan of the split screen, during commercials, but I remember one race earlier this year. When the split screen mostly showed us the wall, while the camera searched around for something to show. About the time they finally locked on a car, they changed to another camera,& it started all over again. A small glitch, to be sure but these guys are supposed to be professionals. What the TV cameras mostly show is the leader. Makes no difference if he’s being challenged, or cruising around with a 20 car lead.

When Faux first came onboard, they tried the heavy handed method of hi-jacking the sponsors, by blocking out the hood logo if the sponsor hadn’t paid them “mention money.” They caught so much flak, that they backed off almost immediately. They still lean toward showing cars, whose sponsors are buying adv. space but it’s not so blatant.

It’s not that every race doesn’t have elements of interest; it’s just that the TV producers don’t allow us to find them.

The Truck races, on Speed should be mandatory viewing for anyone associated with the Cup broadcasts. Another series that they should watch is F1. Not so much for the TV coverage, but to listen to the announcing crew. Week in, week out, they’re the best in the business. David Hobbs,Is a particular favorite of mine.

I’m not going to stop being critical of NASCAR, when I think they have it coming.

But I think that NASCAR could be much better served by its TV partners.

If the coverage were better, NASCAR would come off, looking better.

A great race, could overcome lackluster coverage, but pair that coverage with a below average race, & they tend to highlight the flaws in each other.

Hype, Lotus, Dakar,Bill Lester, & Other Things

Let the Hype Begin
　
If you’ve seen the commercials for the Daytona 500 on Focks during the football play-offs, you’ll have noticed that it’s not the race that’s being hyped but NA$CAR’s celebrity spokesmodel that’s being hyped. She has yet to turn one competitive lap in a Cup car at Daytona and yet the hype is overwhelming. So when the race isn’t in the “All Waltrip All the Time” mode, it’ll be in the “All Danican’t All the Time” mode.
　
Cruel & Unusual Punishment?
　
For those fans who may have missed the announcement, Focks will have both of the Motormouth brothers on Focks during the race broadcast. As usual, Jabber Jaws will be in the booth with Motormouth Mikey being in the Hollyweird Motel bumping Hollyweird Hambone to the position of roving reporter. With both Motormouth brothers flapping their gums fast enough to break the sound barrier while they‘re cheerleading & shilling, don’t expect to hear anyone else get a word in edge-wise. Not even Larry Mac with his new Larry Mac to English Dictionary.
　
Could this be a deliberate attempt by Focks to drive their ratings down to rock bottom so when the TV contract renewal comes up they can go cheap? Something to think about.
　
Daytona Testing
　
When the Cup teams went to Daytona to test, Robin Pemberton stated that the teams would race in packs. That was a statement, not a suggestion, which means that once again NA$CAR is trying to mandate driver actions and help manipulate the race similar to what Bill France Sr did at Talladega back in the 60’s when the well-known drivers of the time went on strike because they felt the speeds were too high and that the tires couldn’t handle it leaving a bunch of relative unknowns to compete. Bill France Sr dictated how fast the cars would be driven. What we’re seeing now is the same sort of manipulation to make the race artificially exciting rather than let the drivers actually race, even if it is the two car Brokeback racing we’ve seen the last couple of years.
　
Missing from the pack racing practice on the last day was SHR which packed up and went home. Considering that NA$CAR’s Celebrity Spokesmodel didn’t have the opportunity to participate in the pack practice, odds are you can expect to see her involved in “The Big One”.
　
Lotus News
　
Simona Di Silvestro took the new Lotus Indy car through its paces at Palm Beach International Raceway and Sebring International Raceway. From what I’ve read, Lotus will be running both of their famous livery colors. The BRG & yellow and the black & gold. So for whichever era of Lotus racing you enjoyed, you’ll see a reminder of it.
　
Dragon Racing, owned by Jay Penske, will be fielding the new Lotus car with Sebastien Bourdais and Katherine Legge behind the wheel. That now makes 2 female drivers behind the wheels of Lotus cars in IndyCar. It’ll be interesting to see Katherine and Simona compare notes of their cars and set-ups while the new car is going through testing. Lotus plans to put 1,000 miles on the current test engine before the testing at Homestead on Jan 23-24. That’s about what Lotus figures to be about half the life cycle of the engine.
　
On the F-1 side of the Lotus effort, they pioneered an adjustable suspension system which works off of the braking system. Since the driver cannot make the adjustments from the cockpit, FIA has ruled it’s legal despite numerous complaints from other F-1 teams. Once again, we’re seeing racing innovation being made. Hello? NA$CAR?
　
Dakar Rally
　
While Robby Gordon didn’t win the rally, he did win a stage or two of it. However, despite having been passed, the sanctioning body said that Robby ran an illegal engine then changed it to illegal duct work doing their best imitation of NA$CAR changing rules in mid-race. Apparently politics came into play after Robby won the final stage of the Rally. It seems that Peterhansel (no, that’s not a German bedroom toy) was supposed to win the last stage but Robby rocked the boat on that one. In an earlier stage of the rally, Robby was trying to pass Peterhansel using the rally’s equivalent to a horn (called a sentinel) however Peterhansel refused to move over and allow the faster Gordon to pass him. Peterhansel should’ve been penalized but wasn’t. Robby had some “kind words” for the Dakar Rally sanctioning body, ASO. One was he might be back next year. The second was “They can kiss my a$$”. While it was a learning experience for Robby, he’s also found another sanctioning body that likes to change rules in mid-race.　

RPM & Busch
　
In one of those “No Duh” statements, RPM stated that the reason they didn’t sign Busch the Elder was that he was poison to sponsors. And it took The King how long to figure that out? I guess he’s getting a little bit slower with age.
　
Then there’s also the Roush Factor. Considering what Busch the Elder did and said about Roush when he drove for Roush racing, there’s still a lot of animosity there and since Roush builds the engines and cars for RPM, it’s a sure bet that The King wouldn’t have had any new cars or engines had he signed Busch the Elder.
　
Busch the Elder must be anticipating getting a number of black eyes this season as he’s signed with an eyewear company for sponsorship on the Phoenix Racing car. Last black eye I seem to remember Busch the Elder had came at the hands of Mr Excitement, Jimmy Spencer. However, Busch the Elder has given a number of black eyes to team owners & sponsors. So being able to hide a black eye is important and I’m sure those sunglasses will do a good job.
　
As to the length of Busch the Elder’s tenure at Phoenix Racing, I’d say it’ll last as long as his past chump provisionals are needed. Then he’ll get the boot the same way Bill Elliott did.
　
200 MPH Mustang Coming in 2014
　
When Ford revamps the Mustang for its 60^th anniversary celebration, the GT-500 and Mustang Cobra will be equipped with turbo V-8’s that will allow this street car to reach 200 MPH. And as it will be a production model and meets the basic eligibility requirements of a production car, will NA$CAR allow this car to be raced? After all, it is a stock car and isn’t racing stock cars what NA$CAR is supposed to be about?
　
Bill Lester Rides Again
　
After being unceremoniously dumped by Autohaus despite a 2^nd place season finish, Bill will be back on track in the #18 Muehlner Motorsports Porsche GT 3 for the 24 Hours of Daytona. As it currently stands, this is a one race deal however, I’m sure it will go beyond that based on Bill’s skills and previous experience.
　
Old Dog, Same Old Tricks
　
Johnny Benson was planning to make a comeback in 2012 in the Truck Series right up until his sponsor was stolen by NA$CAR’s conjoined incestuous twin I$C to sponsor a race at Michigan. NA$CAR and I$C stealing sponsors is nothing new. They’ve been doing it for decades. However, in these tough economic times, you’d think that with TV contract money coming in and having plenty of sponsors of their own, that they’d leave the sponsor of a popular and well-liked driver like Johnny Benson alone so he could help put butts in the grandstands. But greed trumps common sense once again in the Ivory Towers of Daytona.
　
Stolen Laptop
　
In case you missed it, there was a laptop containing drivers’ and NA$CAR officials names and other information that belonged to Aegis Labs that was stolen a while back. Naturally, NA$CAR & Aegis Labs said there was nothing important on the computer and that the laptop was probably in a pawn shop. Wouldn’t it be funny if it turned up on E-Bay with all that supposedly unimportant information on it going to the highest bidder? Or if somebody’s, like Faux King Brian’s, ID was stolen. I can just hear it now. His Royal Highness on the phone talking to Mister Card about a charge on his card. “What do you mean I sent Jeremy Mayfield two dozen roses, a box of chocolates, and a note saying ‘Come back. All is forgiven XOXOXO’?”. Or John Darby talking to American Excuse, “What do you mean I bought a lifetime membership in the Hair Club for Men?”. Or Shrubbery talking to Whiner’s Club, “What do you mean I sent a ton of M&M’s to a diabetic ward? Oh wait, I did. Never mind”.

No Truth To The Rumor That...

No truth to the rumor that….

Mike Helton and Jacque Debris are the same person
　
Faux King Brian declares Johnny Walker as a dependent on his income taxes
　
Santa delivered a tanker truck full of Scotch to a certain condo in Daytona Beach
　
KyBu and KuBu will be having a whine-fest at KyBu’s place on New Year’s Eve 2012
　
Santa was subpoenaed regarding a paternity test to prove he wasn’t the father of Faux King Brian’s off-spring
　
Larry Mac’s head will be sponsored by Turtle Wax for the 2012 race season
　
Motormouth Mikey received a pink tutu to wear on South Beach after the 2012 Homestead race.
　
NA$CAR will follow the WWE by having their own network.
　
The Motormouth Brothers signed a contract with ESPN-8, The Ocho, to cover tiddly winks with manhole cover tournaments instead of covering NA$CAR in 2012.
　
Zippy will be the crew chief to NA$CAR’s celebrity spokesmodel Danican’t 6 times in the same season after being fired by her 6 times.
　
John Darby bought stock in the Hair Club for Men
　
KyBu was blocked in his room Christmas morning because Santa overfilled his stocking with coal
　
JPM finally got the computer print out of his speeding penalty from John Darby for Christmas
　
Ron Hornaday dressed up in a Santa suit and filled all of KyBu’s vehicles with bull manure
　
Santa will padlock the Motormouth Brothers mouths shut during the 2012 race season
　
MWR got caught trying to boost their horsepower using gerbils on a treadmill
　
Badyear actually produced a NA$CAR racing tire that will actually last an entire race
　
Faux King Brian was caught supplementing his “sodas” with ethanol from the pump
　
All 43 cars that start the race will actually be shown by Focks & BSPN during all their broadcast
　
BSPN will hold its own against NBC Sports
　
Matt McLaughlin & I are the same person
　
Midget cars raced a 500 lapper inside the waistband of a pair of Mike Helton’s old 1990 pants
　
KuBu said to KyBu, “Mom always liked you best”
　
Cheech & Chong will enter a hemp powered car driven by Ashley Roachclip in the Daytona 500
　
NA$CAR’s celebrity spokesmodel Danican’t will be doing endorsement ads for the step ladder company that provides the step ladders used for her to get into her car
　
The person who stole the Aegis Labs laptop refused to steal Jimmie Johnson’s identity because he’s so boring
　
Faux King Brian was found spiking his “soda” with actual soda
　
Chad Knaus’ New Years Resolution was not to cheat, I mean exploit the gray area in 2012
　
JC France was caught trying to snort the white lines around DIS
　
Bruton Smith had a special buffer installed in his office to keep his head shiny
　
Mike Helton keeps Faux King Brian’s brain in a mason jar full of moonshine
　
NA$CAR’s celebrity spokesmodel Danican’t is teaching sailors how to swear
　
Somebody might find this humorous
　
I’m actually am sane and know what I’m doing
　
Faux King Brian knows what’s best for the sport