Loose Lugnuts by Mike Sanders

***Race Mama should be back from the old country and back running the normal articles at Laidbackracing.com next week. I want to thank Dawg Chapman and Mike Sanders for allowing me to post their articles here at the Laidback Lounge***

Wrecktacular!
Short track racing is supposed to be about bumpin' and beatin' and bangin', trying to squeeze your car into a tight spot to gain that next position on the track. But I do believe that The Sheriff took that to a new level at Martinsville a couple of weeks ago. He sure didn't act like a driver who is supposed to be out of a job at the end of the year, and should be using the last few races as an audition for a ride in 2012. He acted like a graduate of the Steven Wallace School of Driving, as he managed to take out about half of the field by himself. Maybe he has a relative that owns a sheet metal manufacturing plant, and wanted to drum up a little business.

Transcript Of The Secret Moustache/Cheating Weasel Tapes
Apparently, Nixon wasn't the only one who secretly recorded conversations in his office. I guess that Moustache Helton does it, too. The following is a transcript of the conversation he had with Cheating Weasel after C.W.'s pre-race orders to Bent Sh!tcan at Talladega, where he told him to intentionally smash in the rear of the car if he won the race, thereby removing any evidence of the cheating...err, extra preparations C.W. had made to the 48 car:

C.W.: Good morning, Mr. Helton.
M.H.: Good morning, Chad. Now about your conversation with Jimmie before the race at Talladega...
C.W.: Excuse me please, Mr. Helton, but before we get started I'd like to present to you a gift from Mr. Hendrick. It is a donation to Mr. France's liquor fund...err, favorite charity. And I also have a gift for you, too. Mr. Hendrick doesn't forget his friends.
M.H.: My goodness, that's very generous of Rick. Very generous, indeed. Umm...what were we talking about?
C.W.: About my talk with Jimmie before the Talladega race.
M.H.: Oh yes. You do realize that we cannot allow the integrity of the sport to be questioned or doubted. I'll have to ask you some very
         tough questions to make sure everything is on the up and up.
C.W.: Of course.
M.H.: Okay then...what's your favorite color?
C.W.: Green
M.H.: Good answer. Well then, I think we're done here. I hope you've learned your lesson.
C.W.: Why yes, I have.
M.H.: Alright then. Have a good day and tell your boss thanks for the generous gifts.
C.W.: I will, sir.

Shrub: NASCAR's T.O.?
Terrell Owens is a very talented NFL wide receiver, probably a future Hall of Famer. But he has bounced around from team to team because for all of his talent on the field, he is a cancer in the locker room. Teams put up with his crap for just so long, and then figure they have to cut ties with him. Shrub may be NASCAR's version of Terrell Owens. He undoubtedly has talent, but along with his million dollar talent he has a two dollar brain. Sometimes he really comes across as someone whose emotional development stopped at the age of eight. He still thinks he's playing with toys, except these toys are bigger, faster, more expensive, and a lot more dangerous then the ones he played with as a child. Eventually, his negatives override his positives, and it becomes time for his boss to let him go. The Felon probably could have kept him in his stable of drivers, but chose to let him go. You wonder how long it will be before The Coach, feeling a lot of heat from the 18 car's primary sponsor, cuts him loose as well. If that happens, then what? Maybe instead of starting his own Danica Series team, he'd be better off starting his own Cup team, because he might be the only owner who would want him as a driver. Sponsors are calling the shots more and more in NASCAR these days, and Shrub might be looking for a ride next year.

Weapons-Grade Stupidity
A certain writer for a certain web site that is associated with a certain four-letter sports network, who has a D.W.-sized man crush on Shrub, while writing about the incident that precipitated Shrub sitting out the Danica and Cup races at Texas last week, described Ron Hornaday, Jr. as a "journeyman" driver. Journeyman? JOURNEYMAN?!? To me, the term is used to describe an athlete who either has a minimum of talent, enough to barely keep a job, or someone who bounces from team to team. Well, that's about the LAST term I'd use to describe Ron Hornaday. Let's see: the all-time leader in Truck Series wins with 51 (including 4 this year), a four-time Truck Series Champion, and in the top five in points in 9 of his 14 years. Nope, talent isn't a question. Maybe he hops around from team to team, like some drivers. Let's see: 122 races with DEI and 174 for Kevin Harvick. 296 of his 299 races split between two teams, one of which is already defunct, and the other one that is about to become defunct. Nope, he's not a hopper. Damn "fatman", if you had bothered to do five minutes of research, you wouldn't be calling Hornaday a journeyman.

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